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torn
i woke up this morning with puffy eyes. yes. those that u get when u cried ur heart out the night before. and yes. r'ship problems.
somehow i feel these problems will never be solved. i wouldnt give in. he wouldnt change. you can say that the only way to solve it is to come to a compromise. it's not as easy as it seems.
deep down in my heart. i feel he owes me. all the things he had done (unconsciously) hurt me and i take it and throw it to the back of my mind. (to min, i think u're right i didnt accept it) whenever i try to talk about things between us he would give me replies that irritate me even more. and then we cant talk. sarcasm, criticism, shoutings..everything comes in except for TALKING. i know it's not right to feel your partner owes u something, love isnt like that.
i still believe he is the best i've ever seen. he is sweet. he cares. he sacrifices for me. he gives me freedom. but love isnt everything in a rship.
he treats me the best among all. he is also the one who made me cry the most.
we have lotsa problems. we have sailed through some of them. while many remain unresolved. and these are things we cant control. like i know it's tiring for him to send me home and then travel home by himself, across the island. but i'm the kind who likes to stay out late. i know i've been selfish.
"it's tiring to send u home to hougang and then go home from hougang to jurong. then when i reach home i'll need time to settle down. by that time it'll be 12 plus 1. the journey home is tiring"
"so why is it that when u're out with friends u dont mind reaching home that late and dont feel tired at all"
"it's different. it's the journey home"
"but the time is the factor isnt it"
"i meet up with friends only once in a while. i meet u almost everyday"
"then we shall meet up once in a while"
"what's the point in being together if we only meet once in a while"
"precisely. they are ur friends. i'm ur girlfriend"
maybe i'm oversensitive. but this convo makes me feel he doesnt enjoy his time with me. i mean if he does. why would he complain about meeting me so often. shouldnt it be..u cant bear to part after each meeting. that's what i feel always. i dont want our day out to end so fast.
another issue was him being too friendly to girls. objective is too friendly.
"i dont like it when u're too friendly to girls. like what happened during the bbq just now"
"but i am not only friendly to girls. i am friendly to guys too"
"point is..girls are included."
:silence:
"it makes me feel i'm not special. like i'm just any other girl whom u would be nice to."
his friendliness to girls irks me.
during a starhub roadshow that we both worked together, he called one of my colleagues "mei nu" in front of me.
he whispered to a girl in front of me during the bbq. and kept quiet after that. yes he didnt tell me what he whispered. though i trust that he said nothing personal. the action is the objective.
he can joke with salesgirls asking for discount when apparently in singapore, you dont get discounts in shopping malls. and yes he did it in front of me.
so what does he do behind my back?
u can say trust him. but u dont knw what else he did to make to lose trust in him.
ever since the first incident when i started losing trust in him, and he promised to build back my trust. he had done more things to hurt me even further. talk about building trust. more like losing trust.
so last night. i made my final decision to stop this rship. but he asked for time.
"maybe u can give me a few more months and i'll work to make u trust in me again. i can change. u can rethink ur decision after that"
i thought i heard that exact sentence a few months ago.
i said ok.
9:26 AM
